Losing everything

I recently had the devastating loss of my niece whom I loved and had grown to depend upon. She drowned in a river on a weekend outing. And that was compounded by prejudgment from both my family and my church. So, I lost them, too. Though my niece lived with me for the last six months of her life, I was excluded from her memorial service. 

I have lived with HIV for over 30 years and it seems there is always some new complication because frankly we still don't know that much about it. I credit my longevity to my own dogged determination to understand what is happening to me and why. No one else. Just me. Because no one has ever given a damn about me. 

Since my niece's passing I began to experience hallucinations. Seeing and hearing, even conversing with people who simply aren't there. How do you tell people that you are afraid you're losing your mind? How can you admit it to yourself? Again, I had to figure it out because no one else would. 

It turns out that a chemical imbalance can occur called lactoid acidosis that is not checked for in standard lab work. It has to be asked for specifically. This condition has so many symptoms that can mimic other conditions that it is really difficult to recognize that they aren't each a symptom of other conditions but a constellation of symptoms pointing to a single root cause and condition - one that can be treated easily. 

This condition is also aggravated and compounded by extreme stress, trauma and PTSD. It can also induce hallucinations. Had I not lost so much in a matter of weeks I might still be fluttering about attempting to treat symptoms and not the cause. 

This doesn't make my losses any easier but if anything good came from it is that I now know how to treat myself medically. Psychologically and spiritually are a different matter. My faith is shaken and I can never worship with people who were so unkind, incompassionate, and unsupportive in my time of need as I have been for each and every one of them. 

I question why I even bother trying to figure out what doctors can't or won't. Why do I do this knowing that it might extend my time in this miserable and lonely hell on earth. I'm too tired and broken inside to attempt answering these questions. I'll close now while I can still see this text through my tears.

UPDATE:

The lab work came back normal. So, my theory of chemical imbalance isn't the problem. The only explanation left is stress induced psychosis. And because of the pandemic there is a waiting list for counseling. On the upside, my phantom friends haven't come around for several days.